Goldilocks and The BULK POWDERS™ Bear: A cautionary tale (of why you shouldn’t rob a BULK POWDERS™ customer)
One cold South Wales evening, a young man with his life ahead of him, found himself innocently bashing back the draw bolt on an ex working man’s club door. It was about quarter to three in the morning, so he felt sure no-one would think his intentions were anything but honest.
On entering, he set off the fire extinguisher (as you do), walked round leaving shoe prints (why would he mind, he wasn’t doing anything wrong?). He entered what used to be the old bar area, switched on the heater (why should he get cold?) and started to fill his bag with drink. And then he made his mistake – he found a magnificent stash of BULK POWDERS™ whey protein, pre workout drinks, sports vitamins and added them to his bag. But upstairs the Protein Bear was stirring.
Oblivious for the time being, young Goldilocks started to help himself from the Irish Cream and headed upstairs to the first floor. He found a cupboard and, putting down his torch and 2 hats, began to pull away the hardboard walls. Goldilocks hated waste and was keen to re-cycle any copper pipes. Better that than open-caste mining. But he was making too much noise.
The Protein Bear was now awake. Pulling on a t-shirt he began to make his way down from the second floor. Goldilocks heard this and ,having nothing to fear, shut himself into the cupboard. The bear (for he had brains as well as brawn) pulled open the door and switched on the light, before suggesting that the intruder come out.
“Come out now or I’ll *** you alive,” said the fierce bear.
Goldilocks eventually came out. When he saw the bear, he was appalled. 264 pounds in his bare (or is it bear feet) feet, 19 inch arms. Literally fighting fit. Famous throughout the UK strongman / weightlifting community, a well-known protein rep and former British and European Grip Champion and now standing before the young Goldilocks in his pants and t-shirt.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” began Goldilocks. “Erm, I’m homeless??”
It is not hard to distinguish a bear with a grievance from a ray of sunshine and, to be fair, his blood was up.
After swinging the young man round, he brought him down to the ground and brought his full weight down on his back, arm in a lock. By now young Goldilocks was in terror for his life. After several reminders (indeed many) on the importance of leaving other people’s protein alone, he began to be frog marched to the stairs.
At this point, the young man saw a brief opportunity and ran for it, breaking out into the night.
“Bugger,” said the bear, in hot pursuit. Bare feet and pants weren’t the best gear and to be honest weight lifters are not generally famous for speed. So he rang 999.
The police found young Goldilocks relatively quickly. We suspect he probably ran to the station shouting “please lock me up”. But even if he had tried to remain at large, the fact that he had left his probation papers at the scene of the crime did not help him greatly. Nor his large facial tattoo, which made it arguably difficult to blend into the crowd at times like this.
And they all lived happily ever after. Goldilocks is now doing porridge at Cardiff Prison. Probably not too hot and not too cold. But that’s okay – Goldilocks likes porridge.
And the bear has gone back to his lair.
- If you want to break into other people’s houses, you deserve to meet the bear.
- If you want to really upset a bear, steal his BULK POWDERS™ whey protein.
[With thanks to Steve Gardener aka Mobster. Hope there’s not too much damage and you get sorted soon..]